Best Laid Plans

I can’t remember when I met Garry. I know it was in chat. I do remember it took me a while to meet him in person and I was at my old cleaning job at the time. I chickened out the first time. I don’t usually do that. I knew it would be awkward but there was something about meeting outside the building he was working in that freaked me out. I did walk past it before sending a text at the tram stop saying “I can’t do it!” It was only for a coffee and to meet. I made it the next time. Highpoint right Gaz?

We’ve had coffee quite a few times over the years. It’s only this year that I thought maybe I could do more. However I still have so many issues regarding sex, nakedness and my body that I knew I couldn’t just do it with Garry. Besides we don’t have anywhere decent and private to do it.

It got me thinking about what I am good at: kissing and oral. But where could we do that? I’m not comfortable with Public Displays of Affection (PDA) at the best of times but with an older man I feel even more awkward about it. (How long did it take to get a hug Garry?) So no kissing in public! Where could we go? There must be somewhere at one of the various work sites. A stock room perhaps? A toilet? Yeah! A disabled one they’re roomy. And more importantly they have a lock on the door.

I could kiss behind closed doors. If there was room I could go down on him. But I still have issues. I can’t make eye contact. How blind are you without the glasses? Would you wear a blindfold? (These questions were answered last time we met). I’m sorry but I AM shy. The idea was perhaps this way I could get a proper look at his body. (I tend to close my eyes as soon as I can when I’m getting intimate with a man). Could I give a cock a “worshipful caress” as read about in erotic romance novels, if I was at ease? That is not being watched. I know Garry would like to watch and I understand how that’s exciting but I was hoping the novelty of being blindfolded with a totally repressed and sexually shy person who’s still willing to go down on you would be exciting enough. Almost kinky; work with me here!

When I decided this was as far as I could comfortably go and that yes I would like to take things a bit further, I sent Garry this text: Find me a room you can lock from the inside and I will give you something to blog about. You have to do what I say though. See I was setting the dominate, exciting, scene.

That Friday I went into the city thinking I would do these things with Garry. As it turned out we only kissed, but that’s fine with me. You’ll have to ask Garry if it was good for him, (worth the wait). I was happy because I really wanted to kiss that day. I could have done more (I was “prepared” as I ever am to do more). I’m okay that it was just kissing. Love biting a bottom lip or having mine bitten. As for the other stuff, it was just a thought – I was a woman with a plan - to see if it would improve the experience for me. Maybe even make me more confident to play with a man’s body. (That would be so nice). Could I look at and appreciate a man’s body better this way? Watching me, watching you, there is nothing I would rather NOT do.

To be honest I don’t find genitalia that exciting. I’ve only ever looked at pornographic images, wasting my opportunities in person. I catch glimpses and cop feels but...it’s not done with confidence, comfort and complete desire.

I was in a good mood at work that night; couldn’t stop thinking about our meeting. When I cleaned the disabled toilets on level one I found stockings in the bin. Was someone playing a similar game at work that very day? God I don’t want to think about it. It nauseating enough seeing the couple at work. Like watching your parents. Gross!!! Anyway! I even found myself singing Kiss Me Like You Mean It by The Magnetic Fields. Not one of their best songs, and she’s rather passive in it, but it seemed right at the time. The fact that there aren’t many words to it helped as well.

Now on to more mundane things: work. I don’t really want to talk about it but things have happened since my last post. I did manage to see Geraldine at work and she did lose her mobile. (She informed me she got my email but she never replied to it. Hmm). She told me the afternoon shift at RMIT was still there but she’d have to talk to her boss about it. There might be a slight change in the days I’d be working. Well I went to bed when I got home – I had to get up really early to catch her - and I’d left my mobile off. When I turned it back on I had a message from Geraldine saying her boss didn’t want to hire a woman for this job because I’d have to clean male toilets. Um, excuse me but I do this at my current job. (http://wastetimetogether.blogspot.com/2009/08/makes-grown-men-blush.html)

My mum said that’s sexist and they can’t do that. I guess it is but I don’t know if I’m going to fight for it. There is still my old early morning shift. I’m tempted. I want more money and to lose weight. I can only do that if forced to exercise. I’m depressed eating, or that’s what it feels like. I want to move out. That would starve me. I’ve looked at places to rent in my area or closer to the city and it’s two thirds of my pay. Can I live on just over a $100 a week? Do I “live” now? Ha! No I think I am trapped in this job for a while longer. Help! So much for having plans.