Once Bitten, Twice As Shy?

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while but being perpetually lazy and easily distracted – Merry Christmas everyone, Happy New Year! – it has taken me quite a while. I’m not sure the feelings and sentiment are the same any more too. Like what I wanted to say has changed with time. Just shows you how all these posts are fleeting moments in our lives.

It’s mostly private, and definitely belongs to us alone, but there were some things I wanted to write about my weekend with Terry. I’m finding this hard to articulate but this weekend wasn’t only about meeting (and most likely having sex) but I guess a confidence boost. You know the difference the love of a good man can make: A friend who cares deeply; a potential lover; someone who wants to take care of me.

Our weekend started bright and early. Tired, drunk and happy after a night out to see a band with my friend on the Friday I couldn’t sleep much beyond the influence of the Nurofen and alcohol I’d consumed before bed. I was pretty fucking excited! Terry had told me to text him when I was awake. I was awake at 5 something in the morning. That seemed too early so I didn’t text him until I had some breakfast. He called me back right away. Seems he was awake early with anticipation too.

We meet just round the corner from the end of my street. A big hug – I’m a cuddly bundle of nerves - and into the car. Let’s get out of here! Trouble is I didn’t know where to go. I found it stressful, driving down Sydney Road, being in my neighbourhood. We had to go somewhere since we couldn’t go to the caravan park until that afternoon. I suggested Coburg Lake. It’s a pretty area and we could sit and talk for a bit, make some plans together. Because I was nervous to be with Terry in public I just wanted to get to the caravan park as soon as possible. (And Terry it’s not just an age thing, although most are older than me: (occasional 30s), 40s, 50s, 60s. I get nervous meeting men and being with them in public. The hint of anything sexual makes me uncomfortable. As you all well know). We took a gamble to see if they’d let us in early. It paid off. No one had used it the night before so we were ready to go by mid morning.

And behind closed doors I was ready. Terry later told me he was quite surprised how ready I was. Look, I get horny too you know! LOL. I could have stayed in bed all weekend. I’m a little sex starved. Though I guess I try to deny it but lately everyone else seems to be getting some and all I’m getting is jealous.

This weekend was about showing me how sexy I am. And not only sexy, but something bigger than that: a worthy human being. The idea was to end up with confidence in the bedroom and confidence out in the world. I know I made progress in the bedroom – my best performance to date! But in the real world I think it’s still too early to tell. Terry suggested I hold my head up and look at people more. I already get told off for that one.

In a reckless moment I told him to give me a love bite. As it was on my neck he didn’t do it hard on purpose. When he looked down at it, even in the dim light, and said “Shit” I knew I was in trouble. I said I didn’t care and invited him to leave on lower down. It wasn’t until later when I looked in the mirror that I freaked out. It was a violent purple and almost dead centre of my neck. How the fuck am I supposed to face my family with that!?! The more pressing thought was what was I going to do the next day? I couldn’t go out with that. I made Terry buy me a scarf. It’s beautiful. I was too embarrassed to go in and pick one but Terry came back trumps.

I worried the love bite would be there at Christmas. It was a week by the time it faded so disaster and potential familial embarrassment avoided. One of my neighbours from a home a few houses down the street, Claude the old letch, noticed my love bite and he just wouldn’t let it go. It was healing by then but he called it a “beauty.” He thought I was showing it off, I was just being practical. I couldn’t hide it at work so what was the point hiding it at home? My mum and sister didn’t say anything about it, not to me anyway. I brought up the chat with Claude, acknowledged the love bite then with my mum. I still didn’t want to but I knew Claude might say something the next time he saw her. So Amy has a boyfriend. Good, I thought she might be “one of them.” No actually she just likes to fuck around, good day to you sir. Man if he knew how old Terry was he’d think he was in with a chance. I sort of think at times he’s subtly offering to teach me a thing or two in the ways of amour. Oh gross!

That second photo of me is on Monday morning just before heading home and back to the real world. I had some foundation with me but that sucker wanted to be seen. So much for keeping my head up in public now. I am making an effort and I agree with Terry it’s going to take time but to fuck myself up that early seems so me! That Monday it was someone’s birthday at work and they were taking photos and I couldn’t help thinking, Oh great! This would happen to me. Now it’s not just Terry who has it on file. Well apart from Claude no one said anything about it. Thank goodness for suppressed white folks, eh? I hope I’m not as shy as I used to be. I wouldn’t mind being bitten again.