It’s Probably For The Best

As most people who are very well acquainted with me know, I meet my men online in chat. Very random way to conduct one’s affairs but being shy and jolie laide it seems to work for me. Q: Do you like sex? Check Q: What’s your favourite position? A: 69 with lots of kissing. Q: Do you mind that I am a) Married? b) Older or more often c) Both? Yeah I’m cool with all that but could you be fat and not particularly attractive too? You are? Great! Let’s do it!

Sometimes it feels like I’m too easy but really it does depend how I feel and the conversation that starts online. It (almost) always takes me a few chats, perhaps some phone calls, before actually meeting. This morning I went online and this young guy who I’ve chatted to off and on for a few months now told me he had the day off and wanted to know if I’d like to have a coffee with him. I was reluctant as I always am because from what I’ve seen he has a good, young body and I find that uncomfortable. I forget which photos I’ve shared with him but he’s always said he likes what he sees. [You know I sometimes share the naked ones just to put them off. Although if they reply after seeing my face then they’re usually still keen. So rude when the conversation ends after you put your pic up].

Yeah so anyway this guy always greets me with a “Hi sexy.” I told him I was too shy to meet and since I’ve been rather down this week I didn’t think I’d have anything cheery to talk about. I am shy. Eye contact is really hard for me, although I am getting better at it. It’s hard to explain how shy I can be in person when I can do so much stuff in chat. The last time I meet someone online he said, “You’re not shy!” Well we did make out on a park bench so I suppose he was right. With him I think I did that nervous prattling on. I like older married guys because they appreciate the complicated webs we weave, as we add more to our individual sticky webs. (Don’t be artistic Amy). Of course the deeper and longer the relationship gets the more messy it tends to be.

God, I keep missing the point. I kept putting him off the idea of meeting but then he asked if he could call me. We hadn’t done that before but I thought what the hell so gave him my number. We talked for a bit and it was good, I said way too much so of course I got the old, “You’re not shy,” but I countered I wouldn’t be saying this in person over a coffee. It was nice to put a voice to the photo – his profile pic is a bit intimidating. He looks tall and his face although not looking straight at the camera has a slightly shocked expression like he just overheard an insult and is about to hit that person. I suppose that could be chivalrous, but you know we’re still practically strangers. So I was a little off put.

He sounded nice, nice enough to meet. So we arranged a place to meet an hour later. I turned everything off and went to the bathroom a little excited and surprised at myself. I had to pick some clothes and shave my legs. After the legs I put my phone on because Malcolm said he might call me to see how I was doing. (The aforementioned shitty week came to a head last night when I sent texts saying I want to cut myself. I didn’t, already did on Tuesday – did I say it was a very bad week? – but my auntie called me and that made me feel better. A bit embarrassed too. When people ask why I don’t know what to say, but I think it’s being vulnerable. I do think people see depression/suicidal feelings as a weakness too. I can’t help hating my life that much that I’d rather be dead. But this is sidetracking yet again!)

Lucky I put the phone back on because there were all these missed calls. I went back online to find this guy had chickened out. He was still online so we had a quick chat. He told me he got nervous when we hung up and that he’s never met anyone online before. I totally understand. We both laughed at how quickly the tables had turned. I sent him a hug and told him I shaved my legs. Apparently he wasn’t expecting more than a blow job. Oh well you never know! He also said he didn’t have any condoms. I told him I’d just packed some in my bag; in my head doing the happy dance that the condom issue would be easily dealt with if it had gotten to that stage. My shyness makes it hard to bring it up, when it’s up.

I am a bit disappointed but as I say I totally understand the last minute jitters. I’m sure if we made it to the kissing stage we would have been fine. But of course there is always The Old Man at the back of my mind. The fact I’ve recently been getting up to some naughty stuff on the side and it is already racketing up the guilt levels. I’ve told everyone else but him. I try to justify it by saying we haven’t made a commitment. (That would be my fault too!) But I still feel bad because he’s soooooooooo in love with me. Silly man. He is right, when we are alone together we do get on extremely well. It’s the age difference. I can’t handle it. And frankly it’s rather embarrassing to be with an older man in public. He knows all this but...agh! It’s tough and I feel like a mega bitch. And he’ll still love me. D’oh!