Madness, Sadness and Badness (Not necessarily in that order)

Been caught crying at work again. But it won’t happen again because I intend to resign. At first I was tempted to quit and walk out but I’m not a total bitch. I am however sick to death of being told what I am doing wrong. If I am so bad at my job then for the love of God and Mercy fire me because I can’t take the criticism any more. I am not looking for a compliment. I work and try so hard but if in the end it’s not good enough then fuck it! No more unpaid overtime for something I hate and apparently do wrong anyway. Two weeks notice. I can’t do fairer then that. In my madness (and sadness) I’ve even asked my old cleaning boss if she’s got any work available at the moment. I’d rather do those brutal hours and be cut off from people than carry on doing this job.

Okay, I wrote the above while at work last night. I had to get it out then and there. But it is a new day now and things have happened, although my headache is not completely gone I do feel a bit better.

This morning I turned on my phone to discover I got a response from my old boss. She does have a shift. Yikes! Truly those hours are insane and I know my mum won’t let me do them anyway. I sent her a text saying I was upset when I’d written to her and that I am still at my current job. She called me and asked me what was wrong. I found it a bit hard but I told her some of the things that were upsetting me. You see I really don’t think my bosses are arseholes like people keep telling me and I KNOW I am super sensitive and I already feel embarrassed about this job so I’m extra sensitive to criticism and complaints. It doesn’t help that everything I’m told to do I’m doing already. Hence my earlier comments if I’m no good at the job just fire me, please!

I told my old boss my mum probably wouldn’t let me go back to the 3am shift and to my surprise she told me there is an afternoon shift. It starts at the same time as my current job. It’s more of a roving job she said. Just do what needs to be done. Anyway it’s an extra hour of work a day but is only four days a week. I hate cleaning but to quit outright scares the shit out of me. She said if I wanted to start on Monday she’d deal with my current boss. I feel a bit of a coward admitting that is such a relief. I have talked to my (current) boss about some of the issues, for example cleaning the elevators which I’ve never been able to do properly and find quite stressful, but nothing is ever done about it. I have to stress I don’t think the criticism is as personal as I’m taking it and I totally understand what kind of pressure they are under. It’s always, “ inspections, inspections and we don’t want to lose the contract.” Fair enough, but when all you hear is what you’re doing wrong it gets to you. It’s such mixed messages because they tell you people have complained about this and then when I see people who work in the building and they bother to acknowledge my existence they say I’m doing a good job. So no wonder I went schizoid and broke down last night. Seriously I was that close to walking out. (As my unfortunate Uncle found out. He was the only one to reply to my distress text message and I just went for it. Totally suicidal. I can’t apologise enough to him. Sorry Nick!) And the supervisor who was talking to me, telling me about the lifts, asked if I was all right. I was tempted to scream. Instead I mumbled a yeah, walked off and cried, classic Amy.

So I talked to my mum and she says go for this new afternoon shift. I don’t want to be cleaning (of course), but I feel so much better leaving this job for another one. And Friday off, I’m giddy! LOL. However I feel extremely guilty. Like I’m going behind my current boss’s back. I have talked to her about some of these issues before though. Shit, shit, shit. Then again after last night it should be clear I’m not happy where I am now. Nevertheless I think she (current boss ) knows I work very hard and she did say she didn’t want to lose me when I was cheeky and asked for more time off recently.

I better go. I’ve got off to a slow start today because of my headache and feeling like such an idiot. It was too tempting to stay in bed and pretend I don’t exist. But now I’ve got some of this off my chest I should shower and take more pain killers, fuck the four hour period between pills, I’ll live.