The Weak In Review

I was very unhappy to return to work on Monday. I got so depressed. I mean I wasn’t away that long but I just couldn’t stand to go back to my “life.” I was a little down after initially getting back to Melbourne but by Monday I was completely wretched. So much so, that by Wednesday, (Thursday, and Friday) I was getting drunk on the job. And man did I cry my eyes out on Wednesday; almost as much as the night of “The Incident” before my holidays.

You see, on Wednesday I finally managed not to sleep in, and thus I was able to drop-in and see Margaret at work. I had to ask her if I could take some more time off. Man I was nervous. She could see it on my face and asked me to sit down once we were alone in her office. I know it is asking a lot of her by requesting more time off but I really, really want to go to the UK for a memorial gathering and birthday celebration for the late great Kirsty MacColl.

I fucked up. I could have tried harder to combine my trip to Iceland and Sweden with this Kirsty event but for various reasons, or you could say, “as per usual,” I didn’t get my act together. It seems crazy but I am pretty sure I can afford to do both and I would like to. I have the backing of my parents and sister. Not just financially if I get in trouble, they also know how much I hate my job and can tell how much I want to do this. "Life is too short." And cleaning is forever.

Ah, yes I should report on Margaret's response. I didn’t tell her exactly what it was I wanted to do but I said it was something very important to me and something I could only do at this time. (Sure the Kirsty fans gather every year on her birthday but this year she would have been 50, and okay that’s just a number but it feels extra special. When I found out about this I wanted/hoped I could make it for this one. See I’m pretty sure it’s an annual event but my sister thought it was a special gathering because she would have been 50. I haven’t double checked on who was right, but it doesn’t matter. For a long time now this is the year I wanted to do it).

The thing is Margaret didn’t give me a straight answer. I mean she just wasn’t sure. She thought I could probably do it. She asked how much annual leave I had left (not much, not enough actually, but I told her I don’t mind, that I’m fine with it being leave without pay). She also asked how long it would be (well about as much time as my last holiday, in fact a day of two longer, oops. Hadn’t quite worked it out when she asked me. Plus I can’t decide if I’m crazy enough to leave for the airport straight after work or just take that day off too. I can guess what my family would say, but I am a bit crazy and I do feel bad about taking time off again so soon – less than a month after my return people!)

Margaret told me she wouldn’t want to lose me. I think that’s definitely a positive sign. The main problem is timing. A lot of people are on annual leave. Perhaps more than they can cope with. One person who is on it is the man that I think is her boss and who with her grants annual leave. On the plus side for me she did imply it was good that there was someone who’d “learnt” my job. (I use quotation marks because although he did shadow me one night to learn my job there were a few things he didn’t do. Apparently because I didn’t tell him he had to do it. When my supervisors’ told me this I said I’m sure I did tell him, but I honestly couldn’t remember. The area, the Mezzanine, was the one area I did before he found me that night he was shadowing me - which is what I told them. However I’m fairly certain I would have told him I do this area too. Sorry this is a bit banal I know, what I was told is he didn’t do the toilet on that floor. Why wouldn’t you check the whole area when you’re cleaning anyway? I mean it’s right next to the kitchen. What did he think it was? My impression is that they have a bit of trouble with him anyway. I’m not sure if it’s simply a language problem or he just isn’t good at cleaning. I wouldn’t take the latter as an insult! After all who the fuck wants that feather in their cap?)

In other news, I hope to have set in motion getting some feedback on my application as a Researcher for ABC3. The job started this month, although when exactly I never knew. I couldn’t work out who to send my enquiry to so I sent it to the woman who emailed me an acknowledgment of my application. I knew she wasn’t the right person but I thought she might be able to point me in the right direction. I was surprised to see a reply in my inbox later that day. She’s sent on my enquiry to a couple of people, including the man I originally applied to. It was nice of her to do that. I don’t know if I’ll get any feedback from the people who reviewed my application and in some ways I don’t want to hear it!

When I talk to people about asking for feedback they always recommend it, while acknowledging that it can be painful. The theory being how else can you improve? I also talked to my best friend about it and he reckons it would be worth getting directly in touch with the man I applied to. He thinks it will show him I’m still interested and of course it’s an opportunity to ask if there are any other jobs coming up. I found his phone number (and the woman who emailed me gave me his number too), but I’m too shy to call. My friend thought I could fax him but I really wanted to find an email address for him. A couple of days ago I did! So I will try to email him soon. I want to attach the supporting letter my former boss wrote for me. I would have attached it at the time but I got it too late. I’m a bit nervous about that too. I want my email to be worded just right. Of course!

It annoys me that I didn’t even merit an interview. Annoys and hurts. This did seem entry level enough even for the likes of me. I have done some stuff with Rouge Productions too so I’m not a complete novice. I name dropped as much as I could in my cover letter. LOL. I like to think it was more mentioning the courses in writing, etc. I’ve done since uni, rather than I know such and such a person. The ABC is quite good in setting out what they want you to include in your cover letter. Perhaps I didn’t cover it well enough. I wouldn’t put that past me.

There is a bit of a connection, besides work, to these two topics. My more romantic and confident side thought, Hey if I get this Researcher job I won’t be able to go to Kirsty’s birthday anyway. I’d be sad that I’d miss out but a proper media job, oh my God! I do get carried away with my hopes when I apply to jobs I actually want to get; makes my fall particularly nasty and sometimes messy/bloody. The time before this ABC job application I took the failure so badly I cut myself, a lot. Not deep enough to be fatal, but that’s not the point. Yes I knew I had to do something after that. Get some help. I did, but without going into it too much, I still do have a lot to sort out in my mind. No time! I’ve got travel to organise.

Another reason I didn’t want to talk to Margaret about time off is that I knew she would ask me to go back to the City Baths on the weekends. The renovation works are still going on. I’m not surprised, that sort of thing always takes a long time to finish. She joked that it would be over by the time I went overseas. I think I smiled but in my head I’m thinking I’d be back there on my return.

That’s of course if I don’t lose my job over this trip. That could happen. It probably should, cheeky bitch that I am, asking for MORE! So what if I work my guts out and do a lot of overtime that goes unpaid? (Yeah you guessed it, I CARE). This is why I need to know if it’s okay or not. Really and truly. I dish out more “maybes” then is within my rights, but this time I’m asking for something more concrete. I’m anxious, but tomorrow I really want to make a decision so I can book that ticket and get on with organising accommodation and an itinerary for a trip up to Scotland. It would help, or at least influence my decision, if I knew I had a job to come home to. I know it’s crazy and I suppose I am asking too much but...I want this so much. A mere blog can't express my desire.